Do you believe in Santa Claus? And if you do, did you write him a thank you card? This guy, Santa, spends three hundred and sixty-four days - presumably - making or purchasing presents for all who believe in him. Finally, he spends fuel and time delivering gifts. And you know what, since he’s overweight and old, I imagine his insurance premiums must be higher. And considering all of that, we do not send him a thank you.While you might not be sending “thank you’s” to Santa this year, do consider thanking the people in your life that you don’t recognize enough: the receptionist, waste remover, drive-thru helper, or your enemy. They each make something worth something for you. Personally, thank you for being a reader. I write my ideas for us - to help us notice more, do better, and think differently about culture. Happy New Year.
Outside of the Apple Store at Mayfair Mall stood a medium-height person wearing black pants and a black short-sleeved shirt. The person stood at the entrance of the stoor with their arms crossed. People queued up to be interrogated by this person who asked - “why are you here?” If they answered the question correctly, “because I have an appointment,” the person would extend their index finger and point them to a customer service representative. I felt better about the side harm holstered on their belt when I read the word, Security, which was printed in big friendly letters on the back of their shirt. Faithful readers of the blog - like you - know that I observe lots of things. When you get into the habit of noticing what’s around you, it’s almost impossible not to ask - “what’s it for?” or “who’s it for?” If a security guard is for protection, does protection come at the cost of the shopping experience? What if the security guard did not cross their arms? What if the guard welcomed every person who queued up with, “So happy you’re here. What time is your appointment? 3:00 pm? Got it. Steven, over there waving to you, can help you now. Enjoy!“Once you see what others stop noticing, you can’t unsee it. Because once you notice it, you can make it better.
I woke up this morning without any motivation or desire to get out of bed. I would have gladly taken an extra hour of sleep. But then I got myself out of bed, got dressed, started my routine. Now I am writing to you, invigorated and curious. Doing the work - even the work of getting up in the morning - motivates. Not the other way around.
Stop.Take a breath.Look at what’s in front of you.Don’t try to understand it.Just observe it.Take a breath.Start again.Do that for 30 seconds a few times a day for maximum results.Looking at the cat helps.
If you were making $100,000 per year at your job, a 0.05% raise would be $45.66. Would you work that hard for $45? If you spend 1,000 hours mastering a skill, and your teacher said you needed to put in 0.05% more effort, would you spend the 27 minutes required? There are 8,760 hours per year. At most, we celebrate two holidays per year. And each holiday consists of a party that lasts 4 hours - 0.05% of the year. Yet, for such an insignificant amount of time, a significant portion of our population becomes exceptionally anxious. Why do we stress over such an insignificant amount of time? The choice we get to make is to decide how we will spend our time. Being someone that lives with bipolar disorder, it doesn’t always feel like the choice is possible. But being someone that lives with bipolar disorder, I can tell you it is. How will you spend your day?
Now, we are in a time where the simplest activities can become the most complicated of drama. But they don’t have to be.Perfection is the acceptance of imperfection - nothing can be perfect; therefore, everything is perfect. Your family dinner will not resemble Norman Rockwell’s Freedom from Want. It can’t be. Because Norman Rockwell is not designing your life - you get to do that. Your time with loved ones will include all kinds of discussions across an array of topics - and that’s what people do when they get together. People in your life may want alone time - and that’s a great way to self-care. “Holidays are for family” is a misnomer. The holiday season is for preparation and recognition. It’s for thinking about what’s to come and recognizing what was and is - but you can do that any time. So what are the holidays really for? Unless your religious, nothing that truly matters. Because what truly matters is what matters to you. Keep your expectations in check.
When you run late for meetings, are you cursing yourself for being late? When you make a silly mistake, are you telling yourself that you’re stupid?When you upset someone, are you telling yourself that you’re a terrible person?The way we talk to ourselves is far worse than how we would let someone talk to us. Why? Because we’re self-absorbed. If I am late for a meeting with the CEO, I might curse myself for being late and update my resume. But if the CEO ran late, I would say, “oh, that’s okay - you’re a busy person.” Why does the CEO get the benefit of my doubt, but I don’t? Because we’re self-absorbed.We are self-absorbed in our worlds. We are thinking about how others perceive us if they were us. We are thinking that the person in front of us in line is moving slow to upset us. The people upstairs are making noises to get back at us for making noise earlier. The CEO acknowledged that I made it to the meeting late, and that’s their way of telling us that they noticed we were late. What if the inner dialogue was different? What if the CEO acknowledged that I arrived late, and it feels good to be noticed?What if the people upstairs are making noises, and that’s okay because I’m sometimes noisy myself?What if the person in front of us is moving slowly, and next time I’ll give myself a few more minutes so that I’m not late?What if I made a silly mistake, and now I know that I need to chose to be mindful about doing that thing better?What if you started talking to yourself the way you hope others talk to you?“If anyone talked to you like you talked to you, you wouldn’t be their friend.” - Shawn Wells as heard on Intelligence for Your Life (also from Grant Yourself Some Grace)
What is saying sorry for? Think of the last time someone said sorry to you. Did it change your life? After you received the apology, was everything suddenly fine? I believe that the act of apologizing has two purposes. First, it is for self-shame – to put oneself down and submit to the person they hurt. Second, I believe it’s for recognition – I acknowledge that I hurt you. Which intention matters? I argue that the way we use “sorry” is for recognition. To show others that we see that we caused them harm. And then, it’s for change. To show that we can control our behaviors and make changes for the better. Then why don’t we start saying, “I see you, I see what I did, and you can count on me to do better?” Because when we commit to doing better, we are on the hook. And we - people - don’t like to be on the hook. The real power in an apology is to put yourself on the hook for the future. If you want to get better at apologizing, stop saying sorry and start keeping promises.
Once you choose what you get to do next year, make a contract with yourself to follow through and do it!
It’s one thing to choose the path; it’s quite another to walk it. And if you think that you need to be motivated to do it, I argue that motivation comes from action.
The act of doing motivates you to keep doing.
If you are an ambitious person, I challenge you to choose your path for next year now and start doing it now. And then doing it tomorrow. And then do it the day after tomorrow.
Last year, around this time, I was writing about decision-making skills. The most popular post that month was about questioning - “Ways to Question.” Thinking about now, we’re seeing a similar genre, but a different style.Understanding the unknown, the what-ifs, requires you to discover and activate beautiful questions. Questions that bring you closer to what’s in front of you. Maybe there’s something about December that makes us more curious - or anxious.Have you noticed that loved ones become increasingly more stressed this month? They tend to hit the proverbial “brick wall” more often? Our hope for family time becomes so stressful that holidays are canceled? Then, as if it was magic, on January 1, you hear choruses of “new near, new me” across social media. December sucks, but it doesn’t suck because of the stress. It sucks because we don’t realize what this stress is for. It’s for propelling you into something better.You get to use December to be curious about what lies ahead. You get to use that curiosity to think about what January will bring to you. You get to decide how you will show up. And then, hopefully, you follow through. You get to choose. How are you going to spend the rest of this year? Stressing about the unknown? Or being curious about what lies ahead? You get to choose.