I have vivid memories of my last boss. He would call me into his office and offer this feedback. “Is everything okay? People perceive you as aggressive.” “Of course I am okay!” I might have replied. “Yeah, but people still think you’re being aggressive.“Then I would set out and make things better. I would go up to people I thought I had been aggressive with and asked, “Am I aggressive with you? Our boss says I am.” “Uhhhhh, no.” Then I would receive a phone call from my boss.  Now thinking back, I wish I asked my last boss - and every boss or person I was accountable to - is, “What’s one thing you see me doing - or failing to do - that’s getting in my own way?“I got in my own way - going up to people didn’t help.   I got in my own way - being unaware did not help me.I got in my own way - I did not seek out actionable feedback.Asking the question creates the opportunity for actionable feedback. It invites the boss, coach, or person to be direct, open, and useful.When you feel like you’re doing everything wrong, consider asking someone the question. Be curious. Extract useful information. Then, make a change.Inspiration for this post comes from Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen’s book, “Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well.”

I made pickles the other day. I’m happy I did it.  

To make pickles, you can pour a pickling solution over cucumbers. Or, you can ferment the cucumbers in for 10+ days. I chose to ferment.

This is an exciting topic for a blog, isn’t it?

Well, this isn’t a foodie blog, and I’m not a foodie. But this is a blog about doing things. And the process of fermentation offers a few ideas for doing things better.

Last night my sister sat next to me at the dinner table. She recently started her first “corporate” job and was asking for advice.“I am frustrated that the assistant doesn’t listen to me, I need to spell things out, and things don’t get done.“Her story reminded me of the leadership and communication challenges I experienced in the past. And similar to me, my sister becomes defensive when she’s coached.“I asked for something to be done Wednesday. And I was clear. Why do I have to change?“My sister and I both have an identity trigger. Maybe you, too. This identity trigger says to us, “You are always straightforward, crystal clear, and remarkably intelligent. It’s who you are.” Then when another figure - especially in authority - challenges our identity, this voice goes into defense mode.“What are they talking about? Don’t they know what I’m doing here? Why do I have to change?“I don’t find the process of changing behavior a challenge. For me, realizing that I might not be what I thought was is the challenge.  Don’t let “who you think you are” override “how others say you are.“The others are giving you generous feedback.

But I’m alive. I learned a valuable lesson the other day. I’m not doing all the things I want to do because I lack time. I lack bandwidth. We all have the same 24 hours. But we all do not have the same bandwidth to do things in the same 24 hours. To have space available for meaningful work, identify your priorities, and execute on them. I’ve written on this before. But sometimes having the reminder helps.

If you know a job seeker that uses LinkedIn, and they want to be contacted for jobs, please ask them to share their contact information with recruiters. Why am I posting a rant today? I help employers find would-be employees and would-be employees find employers. But, that work is difficult when the would-be employees don’t give me a way to contact them. There’s a life lesson here. If you want help, you need to give yourself permission to be helped and let others in.

Now I am overwhelmed.  I have clients who need me to find talent.I have clients who want me to help create more inclusive mindsets.I have books to read for myself.I have music to play for others.I have a podcast to edit.I have blogs to write for you.I am not complaining. I think being overwhelmed can have its benefits.  How?  Because now I get to choose. I get to prioritize. I get to decide what’s most important to me and act.  It’s a privilege to have options. It’s better when each option helps another human.

I thought about writing a happy birthday post to the blog, but I won’t. Everybody celebrates annual events, why should I?  No. Not me. I’m celebrating “almost a year.”  My almost a year party is a celebration of what almost happened this last year.  I almost went a full year of blogging every day.I almost launched several projects, but then stopped and reiterated.  I almost lost control of myself.I almost lost all the weight I wanted.I almost kept a solid daily routine.It’s easy to feel demotivated when you read this list. It looks like I haven’t done anything? But I have.I have successfully spent a year failing, learning, iterating, and never giving up - doing.  What have you almost done? And why aren’t you celebrating it?Maximum Effort.Read the first post here.

If you’re communicating a thought, and you’re using lots of words, what words can you eliminate and still get your point across? What doesn’t need to be said for someone to understand you? What do you need to say? Scaling from excess to moderation is fine. Seeking the essence is better.

Remember that we cannot control the story others tell themselves about us. But we can help.My friend from yesterday’s post, remember him? It was tough for me to share with him how he came across. I want to be supportive - and what I really mean is “nice.” But “nice” is not what was needed. An honest reflection is what the situation, and my friend, required - I needed to be a mirror.To reflect someone back to themselves so that they can learn and grow is generous. It’s supportive and challenging at the same time.If you love your friends, be a mirror.They’ll thank you.