My Mom is an advice bomber.  She doesn’t barrage you, but when she drops a useful tidbit, it’s impactful.  I live with problems that I can control. Sometimes, I don’t. And when I don’t, I make mistakes.  I’ve also learned to hold on to my mistakes. I don’t know if that’s a result of guilt, being Catholic, a repressed Hispanic trait, or being a son - I don’t know! But I am my own worst critic. Who isn’t?  I think no one, but recently I’ve started to consider my Mom the exception - which is a surprise if you know my Mom.  “You need to forgive yourself.“Look, I can engage in self-love all day long. Self-pity? Not my thing. Self-indulgence? Have you seen the custard posts? But, self-forgiveness???! To forgive means to relent anger, to give up resentment, to absolve payment. My existence if about giving in, stepping into, and doing more. How can I do the opposite?

It was one of those moments when I was in the car with Dad.

For the life of me, I can’t remember what we were talking about.

We were on our way to the usual lunch joint - a hole-in-the-wall pub that my Dad proudly brags he’s gone to off and on for 47 years - called the Nashotah Clubhouse. And it was on this drive that he gave me this advice.

If fear is the awareness of danger’s presence, then I am afraid of me.  If I am afraid of sharing my fears with others, then I’m scared of how others will judge me if they were me listening to me.  What about me is so scary? To you - hopefully - nothing.  To me, what scares me is my potential for making change.  That I can change my behavior at any time and do something worth something for you scares me. Because with that change comes expectation, and I could let you down. But what if I set realistic expectations?  I’m a driven, yet relaxed individual, what if my expectations included slack time?  It’s not in me to conform for the sake of it, what if I better stated to others who I was?  As I’m writing to you, I’m feeling the proverbial weight come off my shoulders.What can you do to take the weight off yours?

I believe we’re not honest with ourselves or others about our fears. Why? What do we have to lose by asserting what keeps us up at night? I’ll start. I’m ashamed of how I’ve behaved in the past towards other people and afraid that I’ll behave the same way again. I’m ashamed of the ideas I have that don’t work, and I’m afraid that others will see me as a failure. I’m ashamed of the decisions I made to leave school and choose music, and I am afraid that has pigeon-holed me as a person. I’m ashamed when I’m not able to follow through on a commitment, and I’m afraid that that means that I can’t. I’m ashamed that I can’t seem to forgive myself, and I’m afraid I never will. What keeps me awake is a dangerous combination of shame and fear. Why?

When I was young, my mom would hit me when I was naughty - corporal punishment. I believe many children were raised this way, and I don’t fault my mom.  As a teenager living with bipolar disorder, I turned to violence and aggression to express my anger.  Now, I know productive ways to express my anger. But I don’t always use them at the moment.  Living with bipolar disorder is a challenge. Like Mr. Hyde, it shows its ugly and destructive capabilities at the most inopportune times. And like Mr. Hyde, it feels impossible to control. Combine that lack of control with how violence was introduced to me at a young age, and you’ve got the elements for a perfect storm.  This is not an indictment of my mother. This is a raw entry about a challenge I live with now.  Now that I’ve asserted the challenge, my next step is to ask myself, what am I so afraid of that violence is the answer?

6,000 years ago, we measured time by the phase of the moon. In 1,500 B.C., Egyptians created the sundial. And in the last 10 years, we refer to our smartphones. Remember that the time you have is yours. It’s nobody else’s. You can do with it as you wish. The question never is, how much time do we have left? The question is, what will you do with the moment you’re in? 

My cousin and I decided to create a podcast for no other reason than we wanted to be creative.  Did it take much to set it up? No. Super easy. We did it over Zoom.Have you ever done this before? No. Never. First time. We probably made a ton of mistakes, but we’re going to learn.  Why? Because we can. Because we had ideas to share. Because sharing ideas is generous.  It’s nice when others want to share the experience with you as well.  I love you, cuz!

Not an easy thing to do!  And it’s something I’d almost recommend people do at least once in their life.  I never hoped to have the kind of career where I’d be rising up the corporate ladder. If you know me, you know that’s not my personality. I want to be tied to something bigger, a change, a positive impact, a mission.  Reinventing myself has forced me to think about that mission - who am I serving? Why? And how do I serve them?  I’m often wondering how to use intuition and diverse experiences to help people in my current city. oI’ve never had to “pick an industry” before. Now, people want to know what industry (read: tribe) I belong to.  I’ve never had to identify “my ideal role titles.” Now, people want to know what function I want to play in society.  Being eclectic is a privilege.  It’s a privilege to not have to define yourself by such strict measures.  I’m thankful for the life I have had and the one I continued to live. I’m also thankful to be able to work towards helping others.  Reinventing one’s self is hard, generous, and fulfilling work.  If you’re in that stage of your life, don’t give up.

“In writing, habit seems to be a much stronger force than either willpower or inspiration. Consequently there must be some little quality of fierceness until the habit pattern of a certain number of words is established. There is no possibility, in me at least, of saying, ‘I’ll do it if I feel like it.’ One never feels like awaking day after day. In fact, given the smallest excuse, one will not work at all. The rest is nonsense. Perhaps there are people who can work that way, but I cannot. I must get my words down every day whether they are any good or not.” - John Steinbeck The key to doing anything with any degree of skill is to show up.