As we sat in the common area, I asked Dad how he was feeling. With his eyes closed and exasperated tone he said, “I’m out of luck.”

That hit hard. I’m used to seeing my dad talk his way out of every kind of problem. I remember getting winks from his left eye that read both childish and cocky as if to say “watch this.” I remember that wink when he smiled blood in the water from people who did not know that were part of a well laid trap for his sharp and quick wit. I remember a man who made his own luck.

My mom asked me how I’m feeling and how I’m doing psychologically. Many people ask these questions of me. I hate them. I hate them because how I’m feeling and doing psychologically is temporal. A healthy mind does not stay in a certain feeling or state without end — feelings, like everything else, don’t persist forever.There are, of course, lingering thoughts. I often think about how much people misinterpret my responses as odd, not what they would expect if they were in grief, or the doubt they appear to have when they ask how I am. I entertain that thought often because I find it fascinating. I often think about the death process. For some people it’s short and sudden, for others it’s long and drawn out? In a sense — like a war — a nuclear blast versus a cold war of attrition. What would loved ones prefer? What would the dying prefer? How much energy goes into one or the other? Is there a third option? I wonder about energy. Is the energy from the person that dies wasted? Where does it go? It’s been studied that humans give off an aura. What happens to that energy? How is that energy re-used by the universe? Is this energy actually consciousness? And, does it move into some kind of other state or dimension? These thoughts occupy brain space. Tons of my own cognitive energy goes into these thoughts and questions. Since I find that a majority of the people I encounter don’t enjoy entertaining these thoughts, or they think I’m crazy, I must go elsewhere. In fact, as I write that, I have another thought — why does this experience with others reinforce my irrational belief that I’m typically the outsider? It’s easy for musicians, and many other artistic types, to feel like outsiders. The artist notices the world and humans in ways that the non-artist might not. And our noticing generates thoughts, wonder, and inquiry. And where conversation with other humans fails, I find communion with this energy field known as music. Imagine music as an aether that floats above you. You interact with it from time to time when you hear it. When you hear music that touches your soul you laugh, cry, dance, or whatever you do. It’s a public good we all benefit from. Well, that public good is made possible to you by the work of music artisans who are tapping into and restocking that aether for everyone’s benefit. Through the piano, I am communicating all of my thoughts, the hard to express feelings, I am giving the energy I have inside of me into the instrument and thus through the disturbance of air molecules that translates into sound that when interacting with your ear.drum gets perceived by your brain and thus a conversation and communion with a human is born. And then, When that music ends, so too does that communion. All that’s left is your memory of that idea. For me, the heavy burden of my thoughts is lifted,I am relieved.

I dreamed a specific and comforting dream a few nights ago.

In the dream I sat with a friend in a large room, like a church. The friend held my hand, in comfort and support, while we listened to (what seems to be) a priest talk about life.

Seconds later I am at my childhood home. In my bedroom closet putting away clothes. I call for Dad. I hear “What!” yelled from downstairs. Seconds later I hear foot steps walk into the room, and it’s Dad.

Professionals asses that Dad has approximately two weeks left to live — a dead line.

Thinking about deadlines I think about what all must I do before that time? What must be prepared? What must get shipped? Who must I connect with? Is what I’m doing good enough? Have I met spec?

Thinking about a “dead line”, I see lots less certainty. When will this time arrive? How do I plan before the time? Does it make sense to cancel what I have now? Should I keep it? How do I communicate to others? Will they understand?

An interesting experience while visiting Dad…

As you know, he’s dying, and when I went to visit him today he seemed so small and frail. Like a child. It’s as if I could crush his body with a slight squeeze of my grip.

Dad sat up. I sat next to him. Gave him a hug. He said, “why are you doing that” and I said, “because I love you.” He then said “I love you”, leaned back and slept. I so much wanted to cuddle up next to him, like a kid. I did not, mostly because I would crush him. Instead, I felt like Dad, I lifted his head to place a pillow beneath it and covered him with blankets.

Apparently musical training is associated with pain tolerance? More here.“Summary: A new study finds that musicians experience pain differently than non-musicians, thanks to how their brains adapt through years of training. While pain usually shrinks the brain’s motor maps and increases discomfort, musicians showed stable motor maps and reported less pain after induced hand soreness.”Another good reason to support live music and music education — pain tolerance. I’m sure more of us could use that.

Don’t let assholes — or the world for that matter — force you to cannibalize your calories on their issues.. They’re not worth it.**Focus on you.**Disclaimer: 69% of the time, they’re not worth it all the time. Take note of exceptions.

Your time, attention, presence, knowledge, desires, love, physical strength, health, work, beliefs, talents, etc. How do you value the use of those personal attributes? You don’t have value it in money, you could simply say — my physical presence with X is less valuable than my presence with Y at this moment. My joy playing piano as a professional is more than the joy of seeing a movie at this moment. Our basis for understanding the value of a thing can be based on how we value that thing — at this moment. If someone wants more of a thing from us, we use our current assessment of value to determine if we’ll give more or if we’ll impose some kind of cost for supplying more of that thing someone wants. Suppose someone wants more of your time, you might say “yes, but you’ll have to wait until next week.” In that example, you’re happy to supply more time, but since your time at this moment is worth more doing something else, you impose a cost — a wait time.In the opposite direction, suppose someone wants more time from you and you have excess time to give at this moment. You might say “yes, I’ll be right over.” You’re happy to give more time since you don’t have any other productive use for that time. You’ll be over right away, there’s almost no cost to the person asking for more time. A word of caution though — these are frameworks for understanding value and decision-making. Ultimately, you and I are both humans. Our emotions, gut microbiome, health, worldview, you name — it all becomes noise in our calculus. We, you and I, don’t always operate in a way to maximize our personal effectiveness — that’s a reason I write this blog, to help me! Therefore, when our sense of value conflicts with another’s, and conflict erupts, it’s time to shed this mental model and start deep listening! The takeaways are:Value is relative to your alternatives, Everybody has needs and generally want them met,How much of yourself you’re willing to give is subject to your perception of value at this moment; and,You’re not as rational as you want to think you are — you’re only human.If you’re reading this sentence, at this moment you decided supplying me your time and your cognitive energy is worth more than the alternative. Thank you.

I thought about touring today. I am not much for vacations that involve going from destination A to B to C, etc. I don’t much enjoy tours. I don’t need to go to the main attractions — in fact, I prefer not. I love to go to Point A and see what happens. I love the journey. I enjoy watching people on the way. I. enjoy stopping at some random spot and getting coffee or trying a meal — even if we’ve already ate. I love the unstructured experience. I don’t want a guide; I want the flow of people to guide our journey — where do people go and why? If I am going to vacation with a people who loves a destination, then the compromise we’ll need to make is that we pick one destination, we take our time going there, and we allow the journey to unfold. In exchange, I commit to smiling in a group photo outside the main attraction. If there’s any form of self-mastery that’s improved my life for the better, it’s understanding how I like to travel.

Time goes forward. In music and in life. How you use your time, your effort, will always go towards your perception of its most valued uses. A word of caution — you’ll direct your effort to your perception of its most valued use. If you’re not stopping to look up, look at where you are now, where you’re going, and where you came from, it’s possible your perceptions could be off. If you are the type that doesn’t stop enough, perhaps a bit more effort could be directed towards healthy doubt.