I am terrible at coloring in the lines. “But David, " you say, “that’s a skill you learn in kindergarten.” So is “following directions” and I still don’t do that well.This post is not about following directions, or why I still haven’t learned kindergarten lessons. It’s about fear… and coloring books.My mother is a problem-solver, and this post is not a knock on her. It’s about me. A few days ago, I got sick. My mother - because she’s the best mom in the world - called me to check in. When I woke up from nap 7 (of seemingly 20) I noticed she called and called her back.My mother is a problem-solver.“Well, did you get a booster? You know Walgreens does free delivery? Are you going to the place your sister told you about?“Those questions come from the most loving of places. But at that time, all I wanted was to talk with my mom. I didn’t have a problem to solve, it was being solved. But… the call made me anxious.So, how does this connect with the coloring book?I didn’t create a border for my mom to color in.Instead, I thought of questions like: why was I responding this way to someone who loves me so much? Why is this getting to me? Why am I stressing out about this call? What am I so afraid of?My therapist, shout out to Dr. Mike, had one time told me that emotions are chemical reactions, and his words were coming into the foreground of my thoughts as I was trying to understand why my mom’s call bothered me.I realized that the reaction was a stress reaction. Biologically, my brain perceived a threat, sent cortisol piping through my veins, created a bit of inflammation, and prepared me to run away from the tiger. Wow!And this was all because I - I - failed to set an expectation for my mom that all I wanted from her was a “hey, how are you? I loved your last blog post. Okay… now drink plenty of fluids and call me tomorrow.” And as a result of failing to set an expectation - to create the border for my mom to color in - I didn’t set up my mom (or I for that matter) for success. Instead, she was coloring blind.Don’t color blind, know where the borders are.Fear is a feeling from needing to feel the safety of expectation, but expectation is not there.If I would have drew an outline of what I was hoping for when my mom started to problem-solve, I would have given my mom the instruction book she needed to be the best and most effective she could be. She colored blind - she didn’t know where the borders were.Do you know where the borders are?Part of leveraging fear (and I use that term broadly) is defining it - to “trace it’s outline” as Marcus Aurelius would write. And, when you trace an outline of the thing that keeps you up at night, a mild annoyance, a careless neighbor, or yourself (as was the case) you enable yourself (and others) to come alive and be their most effective selves.Thanks for bearing with me today - I know it was a longer post.

Last modified on 2022-01-04