How much truth gets traded away for socially-lubricative norm’y politeness?

And, maybe that question isn’t even the right question. Perhaps the right question is:

How much fidelity do I lose as I increase normy politeness?

Suppose a person applying for a job reaches out to a recruiter friend. The friend receives the resume and says “thanks for sending the resume over. I can forward your resume to a friend at a different team.”

The person applying, as I see it, might see the world this way: “great, so are you passing on my resume and that’s why you’re passing it to a friend?” That person may want to transmit that message with no loss in fidelity. How far would that get the person?

The person replies back “thank you for taking the time to review my resume. I would welcome an opportunity to be introduced to your friend. Thanks for your time.” A well-worded and pleasant response. But I see it differently.

Being polite reduced the fidelity of that person’s belief — we still don’t know how the recruiter dispositioned the resume they received from the person, whiuch is the real outcome of interest!

Going further, I’ll say the recruiter’s attempt at being polite reduced their own fidelity — they didn’t communicate how they dispositioned the resume.

Politeness created a black hole of potentially uncomfortable yet honest information that neither party wants to address. Is it worth it?

I advocate against politeness and I advocate for kindness. And being truthful and honest, even when it’s uncomfortable, is being kind, and kindness is loving.

Imagine a world where the recruiter says: “Person, thanks for sending me the resume, I don’t have a job that I can interview for at the moment, I wish I could help you there, but I can’t. However, I have a friend in another division who might have a need, I’ll forward your resume and see if they’re open to an introduction. If they are, I’ll introduce you. That’s the best I can do.” The person can then reply “Got it. Thanks so much for the kindness.”

Kindness requires a bit more effort than politeness. The payoff for the recruiter is that the person on the other end feels perceived, gets relief, and thinks well of the recruiter and their company. I work in marketing, and that’s great marketing!

I realize that advocating this position makes me difficult to communicate with for the median person. At the same time, it oddly makes me a breath of fresh air for some. For myself, the jury is still out.

Last modified on 2026-02-21