Brady Helps

I've played meaningless, worthless, and stupid gigs.  So have you. It's okay. We're not alone. There are lots of us out there, people working meaningless, worthless, and stupid gigs.  I've found it frustrating to see my talents used and abused in the ways they have in the past. I'm sure you have, too. I could continue to frustrate over those gigs, but I won't.  I won't frustrate because those gigs are jobs. I need a job. Those jobs provide the support I need to make my career or support my vocation. Those jobs represent the freedom that I seek. They are a means to an end. Seeing it that way, I find jobs to be deeply meaningful, worth it, and maybe stupid, but they give me what I need.  I'm writing a small series. The series is about jobs and careers. The series is for musicians that often mistake their jobs for their careers or even their vocations. Also, it's about the frustrations that follow.  The deep frustration, the "I could be doing something else right now," the "I'm just playing to the stools," you know what I mean? These frustrations come from within ourselves. We allow these thoughts to consume our minds. Why?  Because what is a job, we believe to be our career. Stop thinking that way. A job creates the freedom to make your career and live your vocation.  Don't stress over the things that don't matter.A gig is sometimes nothing more or less than precisely what it is,A job. Inspiration for this article came from a video by Elizabeth Gilbert. The video is part of a series produced by Plus Acumen. You can easily access the course here: http://bit.ly/Livewithoutfear.

One of the most influential leaders in my life is named John. John possesses this way to cut through the fluff, get straight to the point, but in the most respectful way. I love that about John. Not everyone is like John. I've known people that act one way to your face, but then speak about you behind your back. We all know people like that, I'm sure. Sometimes, this type of person prefers to maintain a good relationship with you to your face but will complain about little things you do behind your back. They're not direct with their feedback. They prefer to keep their identity anonymous when feedback is delivered.I know leaders that will offer feedback from anonymous sources without providing context or suggestions for improvement. "Someone feels you're helping in a non-helpful way." How does one respond? My response: "How can I improve my usefulness and helpfulness in a way that better speaks to that individual?" How my leaders have replied: "I'm not sure, maybe look out for it?" Think about how this leaves me feeling, my choices to continue doing what I'm doing, self-doubt every action to avoid irritation or stop doing anything. I prefer direct feedback, even from peers, delivered respectfully. If it can help me grow, please share. I'm not perfect, and I need feedback for my development. When allowing yourself to be vulnerable for the sake of helping me, I know you care. When I know you care, I begin to trust you. The feeling of being in trust with another is a key to creating engaged workplaces that do great things.If you care deeply about people, be respectfully direct. Strengthen your bonds, trust, and relationships by caring personally and showing someone how they can develop. If you receive negative responses, it's safe to say you've learned that a new approach is best. Learning is growing, growing is life.

Personal StruggleI have struggled in the past with coming across as fake. I'm not a fake individual. More often than not, I struggle dulling down my true feelings for a situation.  I've always involved myself with many interests. Instead of having a deep group of friends, I knew people from many different groups and held loose friendships. You couldn't call me a social butterfly, but you could say that I was friendly to anyone that I took the time to know. In past reflections, I've felt that I might have been more effective had I just had a small group of friends. I do have a microscopic group of close friends; I love them. I also enjoy maintaining a group of loose friendships.TribesI enjoy listening to an NPR Podcast called "Hidden Brain." Shankar Vedantum, the host, in a recent episode, explored how humans act when they realize their mortality. Interestingly, when we recognize death, we cling closer to our core beliefs and values. Also interestingly, we become aware of those that do not share our core beliefs.  "When we encounter people that are different, we tend to belittle them, we tend to try and convince or coerce them to dispose of their ideas, or we just kill them." - Sheldon Solomon, summarizing the work of Ernest Becker.  I don't mean to suggest that we walk around thinking about our death and seeking to kill those that are not like us. Instead, I believe encountering people different from ourselves leads us to distrust. Our primitive mind sees those people as being imposters resembling an idea, but not honestly like us. I may be one of those individuals; we are honest.  LearningsThere are people in this world that go around connecting with all kinds of people. They love people. They love to help people. These people are often sales professionals, recruiters, leaders, politicians, coordinators, and organizers. In "The Tipping Point," author Malcolm Gladwell refers to these people as "connectors."  Connectors have a unique ability to speak to and connect with anyone. They may have a Rolodex of loose relationships. They seek to serve people by connecting them with others that can address a need. Connectors don't fit into any one tribe, besides that of other Connectors. They loosely move between many tribes, building relationships, connecting information and resources, and seeking to be of service.  Tribes benefit from Connectors because Connectors seek to help people by connecting them with valuable resources, other people. Connectors create global unity.    I'm a ConnectorI'm a genuine individual. I represent myself in a way I believe aligns with my core values. I love people, and I love meeting and learning about all kinds of people. To those skeptics out there, I know that seems fake. It also is genuine. I believe it has made me effective at what I do. I'm a connector. I love helping people solve their problems by connecting them with valuable resources, other people.  You may have your way of living that is genuinely you. Others may find you disagreeable or to be dishonest in how you represent yourself. Be genuine, show up, share your story, and eventually people will see you.  If you need to be something different for people to accept you, stop. Be yourself. You are enough. You do not need to alter yourself to find acceptance. If you feel you do, then the people you are seeking to connect with might not be your tribe. Find your tribe.  Don't Be Fake.

Should doesn't help.

Every time you use the word "should," you're reminding yourself of what didn't happen, or presently, what is not happening.  

You: "I should practice more."

Your Mind:  "But I'm not."

You: "I shouldn't be upset."

Your Mind: "But I am."

You: "You should be happy you have this gig."

Other's Mind:  "But I am not, and I wish you could accept how I feel."

"Should" creates false hope.  

When we feel we "should" be happy, we are holding on to the hope of being happy when the present is "not" happy.  

Instead, accept that you're not happy and then create paths towards happiness.  

"Should" creates a false expectation.

Saying we "should" practice more, self-punishes. We silently realize to ourselves that we are not practicing and therefore, not reaching our goals. We negatively self-talk ourselves into practicing less by using "should."  

Instead, accept that you're not practicing, and then create a vision of yourself improving through practice. Write out a practice goal. Then go practice.  

"Should" creates a false expectation of others.

When we feel others "should" be on-time, acting a certain way, valuing what we value, we'll start to see that individual as not being like us and begin to resent them.

nstead, accept an individual is doing something different from the expectation, give them feedback in a respectfully direct manner, and ask them what they can do to meet the expectation.   

At the End of It

You "should" or "should not" be doing anything - you are as you are.  Accept the present.

Resist the urge to create false hope.

Stop holding on to your expectations of other people.

Stop saying, "should."

I used to work for a cruise line. I started off recruiting and hiring musicians and later promoted to leading the music department. At the time I moved to the Music Department, My leaders informed me of a decision to increase musician working hours, and it was my job to execute. I made mistakes executing the decision. New to the role, I didn't know what to expect or how to manage the changes properly. At the same time, I felt I did what I needed to do. Candidly, I felt taking a decision so quickly without setting the stage adequately caused more problems than benefits. Nonetheless, I enacted the new policy. I always knew we would have challenges; I just never anticipated the depth.Musicians experienced several challenges, especially singers: vocal nodules, polyps, stress injuries, and the anxiety of potentially losing their instrument. On more than one occasion, musicians would break into tears of fright, concerned about their futures. What could I do?I came from a world where I worked 5 hours per day, without a day off. I don't mind that type of work. For the organizations that need a workhorse style musician, I am the best individual to serve them. I realize that not everyone is like me. This realization made it difficult for me to empathize with the team. But, when I was finally able to see the world from my team's point of view, I discovered an insight. Our gig is not the gig for musicians like them.I'm not trying to say that I didn't welcome my team - of course, I did. I am saying that the job changed, and perhaps, the musicians hired are not the type that wants to play that kind of gig. I don't know many musicians that would want to play that kind of gig. Still, the realization stands - this gig is for people that like to work long hours. When it's not right, perhaps it's not for you. When it's not right, empathize with those that hired you; try and see the world from their point of view. What changed? What caused the change to happen? Are you still the answer?When it's not right, It's possible that after reflection you'll realize that you're not the right person for the gig. You may not be the answer to their question. That's okay. The venue owner, employer, or contractor can find another person. If they can't, perhaps they need to reflect. Maybe they're not the answers to your questions. Empathy is a two-way street.Own your world.When it's not right - reflect - get out. Find others like you.Connect them.They're safe.

Music is not self-service.To be a musician is to be in the service of others. To every day, show-up and hone your skills and experience. Such that, when called upon, you can be the solution to someone's problem. Being the solution is a selfless and generous act. Realize that you are in the service of another. You are in this service because you've enrolled, applied, interviewed for, and accepted a job to solve another person's problems. In exchange for your ability to be the solution, someone is giving you money or another form of compensation. Presumably, you've accepted the money.You are now in the service of another. You are selflessly bringing your talents to bear to solve their problems.If you're doing your job right, you will be changing the lives of people who have come to listen to you. If you've done your job right, you've served another. I know some jobs could treat musicians better - be it hours, conditions, pay, you name it. Tomorrow, I'll mention what to do in those situations. For now, music is not self-service.

Maybe it's just a Wisconsin thing, but I see so many T-Shirts that read: "Feed me tacos and tell me I'm pretty."You don't need tacos.You don't need me to tell you that you're pretty.We don't need another person to permit us to live our lives.We don't need another person to tell us that we have value.We don't need another person to feed us.I know the quote is a joke. I think it's funny.I also think it says something about our culture.Stop looking for validation.Don't Eat Tacos.(figuratively speaking, if you love tacos I hope you eat copious amounts.)

Instructions describe a process, that if followed, will lead to a predictable outcome. Humans are not predictable. You and I are not predictable animals. Yes, if you understand what makes us tick, you can make some reasonable assumptions.But, we do not come with an instruction manual.All of the "How-Tos" do not make up for understanding the principles of why we do what we do.My goal is to provide you with principles gained from past failures and successes. If you apply these learnings to any situation involving people, you can create a positive change for yourself and another. The principles I am providing you are not an instruction manual.I am not trying to write a step-by-step guide for life. Instead, I am trying to provide a way to think about life and people.To truly learn, you must experiment, fail, grow, and succeed with each new situation. Humans are not predictable.Instructions not included.

You cannot be the answer if you cannot see the question.

My last boss once asked me: "David, what are you trying to solve?" I had no idea.

I was trying my best to advocate on behalf of a learning strategy that I, and my team, felt we needed. But, we didn't know the question to which we were trying to answer, we didn’t why we needed a new strategy. Consequently, I did not get what I attempted to achieve.  I failed to know the question. I only saw an answer.

You cannot be the answer if you cannot see the question.

See the question by:

• Empathy: Learn to see the world from the other's view.
• Consider: Understand the impacts of the other's needs not being met.
• Realize: Deeply feel the importance of the other's need.
• Assert: Verbalize and write out the problem that needs to be solved.
• Look: Look at what you wrote out. Internalize the message.
• Share: Let the other(s) know that you're aware of the problem, share what you understand, and
• Ask: Ask for validation. If you're off, seek to understand what you missed and then re-share.

If you go through these steps, you will see the others.   If you go through these steps, you will better understand the others. If you go through these steps, you will know the question. If you know the question, you have permission to be the answer.

Know the question.

"The distance between where you want to be, and where you are, closes with one small step." - David Brady (until someone says someone else said it.)Point AAt this moment:Your location.Your career.Your friends.Your family.Your personal life.Your home.Your liabilities.Your assets.Your team.Your art.Point BImagine yourself:Doing the most fulfilling activities.Doing all your are capable of doing.Making the difference, you hope to make.Building tribes.Excelling in your career and developing effective teams.Improving your financial independence and doing the work to get to that point.Doing something each day to come alive.It might feel like it's far in the distance. But it's not.  All you need to do is commit to taking one small, barely noticeable step, in that direction.Take the step. Become one step closer to becoming who you see yourself being.Take the step. Become on step closer to connecting others and bringing them into something bigger than themselves.Take the step. To come alive and put all of you into the world and make a difference.Take the step. To find your fulfillment.  The step looks different for everyone. There's no great "how-to" for discovering what to do. There are many books on the subject.  Trust your gut.Trust your instincts.Trust your intuition.Trust that there's ground beneath you.Trust your resolve.Trust your One Small Step.