Someone asked if we think it would help if they visited my dad. How do you answer that question?
Dad has Alzheimer’s and he’s dying, would your visit help him die faster? Die more calmly? Remember more suddenly?
Perhaps that person would like to resolve some things for themselves on that visit. Maybe the visit would help them?
At the end of this process the family is not going to sit down and say, “you know, we really shouldn’t have had person A visit, it didn’t help, next time Dad passes, let’s ask Person A to show up a bit earlier.”
Along the same lines, I hear conversations about when to tell Person C about Dad, or what to say to Person D. Or, wait to tell Person E until you’ve told Person Z. Come on! Again, is the family going to sit down and optimize their public relations plan for the next time dad passes?
Impending death creates uncertainty… and uncertainty, for some, is correlated with an expression for more control. Perhaps control leads to certainty. However, humans will always do what’s in their best interests, and what’s in a human’s best interests are not necessarily being compliant with another human’s need to control. And if that’s not philosophical enough — the irony is that death is certain for all of us!
Therefore, because death is certain, and someone in hospice will die relatively soon (unless your Jimmy Carter), it’s probably best to try and control only the things you truly can control — yourself. And it’s probably best to allow things just to happen as they’ll happen. When it’s all said and done, the grieving will grieve, they won’t re-examine their execution and optimize for the future.
As my Dad would say, with his arms raised and in an exasperated tone — “JUUUUST keep it SIMP-LE!”